confusion...

Ha~ cant believe i'm blogging so frequently... juz yesterday that i last blogged... somehow i dunno who i can tok to... hmmm...... Diary pls bear with me....

i am currently in a state of confusion... i dunno how to react... haha... juz let me throw it all out... yes... chatted with him juz now... happened to casually ask if he has a new target... he told me there's a gal.. a foreigner... from an asian country nearby... someone he met at a bar and she was a gal who poured drinks.. told me they communicated in dialect as she doesnt know eng/chinese... told me she gets his heart pounding.... told me she's going back but can communicate using yahoo voice... i wanted to ask if he's serious... but thot otherwise... juz wished him luck... and said its great that he has found someone that he likes... he said thanks...

so now.. i guess its back to square one... how naive i was to think of the possibility... somehow though i've decided to treat him juz as a fren... i was shocked to know of wat he juz told me... i thot... how can it happen juz like that??? its totally bizarre... perhaps i juz wasnt the rite person... in another way... i felt like... how come i lost??? its like totally HUH???? i cant really express wat i am feeling.... hurt? cheated?

another way of looking at it... perhaps i really wasnt meant for him.. but in a way.. i guess i haven really acknowledged the fact that we are different to begin with.... different aspirations and outlook in life... so guess our paths will never cross... in a way perhaps its also gd that things turned out this way.. it could have been worse but things hasnt turned out that sour... no hard feelings aft all...

somehow now... i start to feel the fear creep in me again.. the feeling that i've had for so many yrs aft the last relationship... yes i can feel it becoming more intense... to the extent of hatred... resentment... perhaps its due to the fact that i've become so sick and tired of initiating and nv being reciprocated... it all turns into strong negative feelings... and once again.... i am going to seal myself off... to be withdrawn... freeze myself.. i am going to turn this vengefulness into energy in striving in other areas of my life... to carve a successful career where i can command respect... to live a life of my own... putting myself in the first place... argh....

I AM GOOD~!